Dear friend,
It’s dusk, I’m flying somewhere above one of the plains states, and it is beautiful.
I don’t mean to romanticize the act of flying. So many people have done that before, and quite well. I only wish to be clear about where I am and what it feels like, which is to say, I’m flying and I’m in a cramped aisle seat and someone keeps coughing nearby and out the window there is flatland below us and sky all around us and I am grateful to be alive.
What a strange thing gratitude is. Today, it’s active. I am actively grateful. I am actively thinking about how lucky I am to be on this plane on my way to a conference to talk about my upcoming book which I was fortunate to be able to write. I’m grateful that when I land I will have people to text and let them know that I made it to my destination because they love me and they worry and they want to know my goings on, no matter how mundane.
I won’t list everything here. I’m sure there’s more than I have time to write and besides that’s not the point of this. The point is, today I am grateful. Tomorrow I may not be. Yesterday I was not. Because I am a human with no meditative practice to speak of, I don’t make many efforts to actively check in with my body and my heart. Perhaps I should. But I don’t.
Instead, in moments like this one, gratitude sometimes feels overwhelming, like flipping through a photo album you forgot you had and being inundated with memories. It’s like that John Green line, “slowly and then all at once.” Truth be told, I like the all at once-ness of things. Every so often I like feeling so full of wonder that I may bubble over. That I may cry the good tears. That I may call my mom just because I’m happy she’s alive and want to be reminded of her living by the sound of her voice in my ear.
Sometimes I don’t so much enjoy being a human inside of a body. I don’t want you to read this and be afraid. This isn’t a cry for help. It’s just the truth. Sometimes, I wish I could just be a little ball of energy zipping through the ether. Or my dog, guileless and happy, dozing on the floor in her favorite sunspot. Or the container of cherry tomatoes that’s been sitting on my counter for the past three days because I’m too lazy to put them back in the fridge.
Sometimes gratitude doesn’t come easy. But today I’m on a plane over one of the plains states and the sun is setting and I’ve just finished a wonderful new book and it’s good. And today, it does.
LJ
A note on the newsletter:
This is endpapers, my new newsletter! Thank you for reading and—hopefully?—subscribing. I’m hoping that this is a creative endeavor that sticks around for the long haul, but I can’t make any promises about regularity. Mostly, I plan to write about whatever moves me, along with assorted updates about my goings on (since social media is a fickle beast and I’d like everything to be gathered in one place). Sometimes it’ll be wonderful and other times it’ll likely be glorified longform shitposting. I think it’ll be fun either way.
Here's what you missed on Glee:
Last week, I published a personal essay called “I Don’t Want to Write Beautiful Things” about the relationship between creativity and poverty at Autostraddle that I’m really proud of. It was edited by my dear friend, Vanessa Friedman, who also has a newsletter I recommend subscribing to. (Seriously, this week’s installment left me teary-eyed in the bath!)
There’s been a new book announcement! I finally got to share the very exciting news that I’m writing a book with the iconic George M. Johnson (and no, we’re not related, as the Associated Press so aptly pointed out). It’s a YA rom com called THERE’S ALWAYS NEXT YEAR and I’m so, so proud of it. You can read the full story here and add it on Goodreads here!
My middle grade debut, ELLIE ENGLE SAVES HERSELF, is out on May 2, 2023, and it’s available for preorder now! It’s about a 7th grade necromancer who has to figure out how to deal with bringing the dead back to life and how to keep her best friend from finding out about the massive, earth-shattering crush she has on her. Preorder campaign details are coming soon, so hold onto those receipts.